The Lesser-Spotted Indie Author – an ornithological article by Loretta Livingstone

The Lesser-Spotted Indie Author
This species can be found world-wide, often on their nests, which are made from books and usually located near a computer screen. The species tends to be nocturnal and its diet is varied but often includes large amounts of coffee and snacks.
It has a number of calls, the most common being the often-heard, “Buy my book. Please, buy my book.” This is usually heard repeatedly until they have been satisfied by their sales chart or they fall into a stupor. They have another call, which is almost as well known – “Did you like it?” Again, this call can be repetitive and irritating.
Their alarm call is a strident, “Oh, no! A one star review.” Which, instead of signalling flight draws great groups of the birds, who can be seen flapping around the injured author bird, cooing at it and stroking it with their bills until it calms.
When not tapping in solitary mode on their computers, they tend to flock in large groups in places like Facebook, waving their books at each other to draw attention to themselves. A colourful, affectionate and harmless species, although many people find them intensly annoying. However, the lone reviewer bird, a rare species, does attract many lesser-spotted indie authors, who will flock around it and attempt to batter it with their books. It is not known whether this is an agressive act or a form of feeding. The lone reviewer bird is rarely injured, but on occasion may be buried under their onslaught.
If seen, do not approach as, whilst one or two lesser-spotted author birds are not a cause for concern, the avalanche of books a flock produce can be disconcerting.
Rarely, a lone member of the flock can be seen pecking dejectedly at bookshop windows. Sadly, it is usually chased away by the bookshop owner bird, who can be quite aggressive when it is defending its territory.